I’ve faced some pretty intense life experiences –from early struggles with self-harm and a tumultuous marriage, to the complexities of navigating cultural expectations and redefining what friendship means. A profound impact that impacted my life just as much is my battle with leaky gut syndrome.
For years, I didn’t realize that the constant fatigue, brain fog, and digestive issues were connected. I thought I was simply forgetful and my mom had always said to me, “You’re stupid” and I 100% believed it. I had always thought my digestive issues were from eating a lot of spicy food but clearly that wasn’t it as I cut off spice after having a couple bloody bowel movements. Little did I know, my gut was crying out for help.
My stomach pain first started when I was in high school. The pain were so agonizing, I skipped class and stayed in the bathroom hoping the pain would go away, but unfortunately it came and went in the same manner as when a mother was ready to give birth -to which I can easily say that child rearing is NOTHING close to stomach pain! The miserable episodes felt like being punched in the stomach leaving me gasping for air while the stomach acid burned through my intestines and made it’s way up to my esophagus causing me to vomit continuously even after there was nothing left in me. Sometimes I’ll even throw up bile. Just talking about it makes me remember the bitter taste!
After the ordeal, my stomach would ache as if I had been laughing for hours. Fatigue swept through me and I would go through a day’s worth of nap -literally! I wake up trembling and weak but hungry enough to get up to find something to eat. Leaky Gut episodes takes half a day minimum to 2 full days maximum. I’ve had to call off work or missed out on school many times and would feel guilty as I felt people overlooked my illness as someone who didn’t take work/school seriously.
After my first symptom with stomach pain and digestive issues, I developed acne when I had my son (at 17). The painful, swollen acne stayed on my face for years, and each time a pimple healed, it left a big nasty scary. Ever since then, my face had always been inflamed. Each time I had a child, it was like starting all over again but worst. My acnes were the worst with my last child as my acne spread to my neck and back for the first time. I was super red and people often questioned how anybody’s face can possibly get that bad. (Surprisingly, I never had low self-esteem and was always comfortable with my own skin). It took me a very long time to found out that it wasn’t due to pregnancy although that may had affected it as well.
It wasn’t until I left my marriage (26 years old) that I finally went to the hospital and was referred to a specialist to get a colonoscopy to confirm I had IBS/LeakyGut. However, I was soooooo scared of having something shoved into my butthole, I ended up not going. Instead, I promised myself to never eat spicy food again thinking that would solve everything.
After divorcing, I had the time to learn about myself and to change for the better. I was never there for my children emotionally, mentally, and physically because I felt burned out and overstimulated at the slightest interactions. I became aware that I couldn’t think properly or say the right words because everything seemed to always be at the tip of my tongue or I would mix words or phrases. What happened in the mornings felt like it happened a couple days ago, and what happened a couple of days ago felt like it happened weeks ago. It was like having dementia and ADHD all at once while looking at life through the lens of a telescope, yet being aware of everything that is happening like watching a movie and I’m the main character. I see myself move, think, talk, and yet I’m still sitting -being aware. Does that make any sense?!
I still feel that way.
Because I struggled with words and not having the tools to express myself, I would get angry when someone couldn’t understand me and thought there was something wrong with me. I often get comments that I’m bi-polar, have mood swings, and/or have split personality as I can be loud and fun and the next, moody and tired. My ex husband used to say “I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with you. You’re a ticking time bomb and I never know when you’re going to set off.” I always rolled my eyes and counter by replying “It’s like I’m a single mother who’s taking care of all the children AND the adults living here. OF COURSE I’m a ticking time bomb!” (At that time, my ex-husband’s uncle, his youngest brother, and his second brother with his wife and 3 kids lived with us. No one contributed with the chores or finance).
Recently, I learned about gut health and what microbiomes are. I learned that every single problem I had with my body all led to my gut health AS WELL AS the trauma stored in my body. Reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D made me understand the relationship with my body and how C-PTSD carried within me physically. It was obvious how everything connected and it all made sense.
I blamed my symptoms for everything except the fact that I was barely eating vegetables. My main source of food was carbs and sugar… on top of stress in an unwanted marriage and C-PTSD –the perfect combination for a leaky gut!
I’m 28 years old and I’m still seeing the world in pixels. If I truly want to see what’s out there, I must start with myself first. The answer is simple: Eat healthy, exercise, and therapy. Everything else will come together. But being consistent and getting comfortable to a new reality is hard. I need a support system to help me in every way possible… I need friends! If there’s anybody out there who’s in Overland Park, Kansas, hit me up to the gym!! Let’s meal prep together! I’m so sick and tired being controlled by Leaky Gut. I want to be the best version of myself!!
